Shove These Downtown Abbey Season 5 Scoops Down Your Gullet!

Here we are again. Another January another season of Downton Abbey. With that comes a whole heap of piping hot preview news from America's favorite polemic for class divides! As a man with his finger on the pulse of America, I'm treating you to the hottest details of this brand new season! Can't handle the heat? Then stay in the kitchen, because that's where you belong, you North country runt and you should be glad for the opportunity! I should sick the hounds on you! The hounds!

Spoilers ahoy!

Episode 1 ends with Edith's room being consumed with fire, but fortunately everything is safe and, besides, Lord Grantham let's us all know that Edith's room is "Where we keep the cheap stuff."

Ugh. Common people.

Episode 2 shakes up things even more when Landis, a distant relative of Cousin Rose turns up at the steps of the abbey looking for a few days of rest in the country. Played by Cheeky the Walrus (Lark Rise to Candleford, Bleak House), Landis wastes no time ingratiating himself with the family-- To everyone's dismay!Can the household handle the boisterous antics of their new, rough and tumble Welsh compatriot? Can Mrs. Patmore keep up with Landis' demand for raw clams? Will Mosely recover from his goring? Will Lady Edith's charms finally work on this two ton tub of blubber?

Lightning strikes again when another Turkish diplomat dies under the care of the Granthams. This time ol' Lord Grantham's antique blunderbuss misfires turning Yolga's entire midsection into a pile of human jelly! Will the Granthams be able to pull another fast one under the noses of the Turks? Will Isis let go of the ambassador's femur? Will Edith find love in the pile of human compote that is the former bureaucrat?

Lady Edith realizing even Lady Rose is better liked than she is.

A colorless portal opens up in the back-up pantry. Carson locks it up ater voice from beyond the void begin moaning “Bring us the boy heir. Bring him to us.” Seeing an opportunity, Alfred charges a tuppence a gander. In an unrelated side plot, Edith will find love with a chimney sweep stuck between the second and third floor.

After Mr. Bates' favorite topiary is the victim of a racially motivated crime, the valet finally snaps, taking it upon himself to “cleanse” the county. After arming himself with an array of homemade weapons including a fire poker tied to another fire poker, he will descend upon the township with a vengeful fervor that might be charitably described as "holy."Most of his bloody hand of vengeance will, like so many fraudulent flower contests, take place off screen, though fans will rejoice in the twenty minutes of every episode dedicated to Bates muttering “No justice, punishment.” Edith will temporarily take up a fascination with a particularly handsome ficus.

Episode five finds Lady Mary in a pickle as she tries to corner the selvedge denim market from under the noses of a Japanese firm led by a hyper-intelligent construct made out of a bunch of electric kettles taped together. Penned by visionary novelists and stuff enthusiast William Gibson!

Episode 7 in the immediate aftermath of dealing with the
"Pig Man problem."

A war orphan from the “Irish What-Have-You” will arrive in the form of Elmer the Sheep Dog. But as Elmer becomes the center of the household's affection, what of Isis, Lord Grantham's most loyal companion? She may or may not align herself with Thomas in order to make this shaggy dog into a shaggy dog story! But, Lady Edith might have bigger plans. Can you say "Lady Sheep Dog?"

One episode of the season is just a re-dubbed episode of the original Upstairs, Downstairs. See if you can notice which one!

And, of course, no season of Downton Abbey would be complete without a big to-do at the end! But times are a changing (try telling the Dowager Countess that!). Instead of a fair or a cricket game or even the start of WWI, the ladies of the house jump onto the latest trend sweeping through the inbred remains of the British aristocracy: Hunting men for sport! Mary, Rose, Lady Grantham, and even Tom, that hideous Fennian trot, all get in on the fun shooting, stabbing, and running over all kinds of peasants! First one to a thousand points gets Mrs. Patmore's prize kippers and gravy! And also Edith will elope with Three Toe Joe, the town's least stable toilet wine aficionado.

Other details to look forward to:

* A 47% increase of the use of the phrase “Cor blimey, guv!”

* After four seasons, a character finally gets to drop the c-word. You'll be surprised gets the honor!

*In an effort to cut down costs, most of season five is shot in Toronto, including most of the interior shots. Wonder why Downton Abbey suddenly resembles large sections of the Argonaut's home stadium? Wonder no longer! And keep an eye out for everyone's favorite CFL receiver Derrick "Mookie" Mitchell!

*A co-marketing deal has seen to it that Thomas' signature cigarettes are replaced with an e-cigarette, making him even worse than he already was.

*Every scene will end with someone shouting “Bah! Poppycock!”

*Lady Grantham will be visited by a Martian that only she can see.

*Lady Grantham will develop severe and acute blood pudding-induced schizophrenia.

* I don't know. Crumpets?

Well, that's all the hot gossip (or “sip” as those in the know call it) that I have for Downton Abbey season 5. Stay tuned for next hot scoop of sip when I tackle season 4 of Sherlock (in its new format change, it will primarily revolve around Sherlock's struggle to keep his dad's business afloat, while at the same time struggling to find time to be a single father. Also Watson is Sherlock's neighbor and stops in from time to time to deliver some well needed, if off kilter advice).

James Kislingbury is a writer and a podcaster. Sometimes he wonders what O'Brien would look like underneath a thresher.

The Only Other True Detective Theory That You Have to See

I was skeptical, but I'll tell you, now, after seeing this, my eyes are wide open.



There's no coming back from this, people. It's all out there now.

The One and Only True Detective Theory That You Need To Read

There's a lot of chatter on the ol' computer box about who-done-it in the HBO show True Detective. While this show is one of the most talked about programs on TV, one of most important points about the mystery has been ignored. People are focusing on the wrong details and spinning out into crazy conclusions and my theory would save all of those people-- and their readers-- a lot of heartache.

I've been through the episodes over and over again and I think I have a real handle on the TV show and where it's going. I'm no expert, so let know what you're thinking.

(MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD)

(YOU WERE WARNED TURN BACK NOW!)

Okay, here's my theory:

You all need to shut the fuck up and watch the fucking show.

You're not Poirot. You aren't even Miss Marple. Jesus fucking Christ, if you're anything, you're an Inspector Clouseau if he had taken to smoking industrial loads of ketamine instead of having his manservant randomly attack him. Knock it the fuck off and watch the fucking show. Nobody cares about you half-assed, cockamamy ramblings you've dressed up as a "theory." Remember Lost? Remember it? Remember nanobots? Do you? I can see it on your face that you do.

It's going to show its hand when shows its hand. Stop trying to outsmart it. Like solving the mystery before anyone else in the room does makes you enjoy the show any more. That it makes you understand it any more.

The only theory I have about the show and the mystery is that you're all wrong and you're driving me nuts. Shut the fuck up and just be grateful that we're living in the greatest age of television since. . . ever.

Alright. I'm sorry I yelled, but this is what you have brought me to. You think I'm happy about this?

(END SPOILERS!!!!!11!)

Revisiting Bebop

Have you ever watched Cowboy Bebop? Because if not, you should and if you have, man, how awesome is Cowboy Bebop?



I started watching Cowboy Bebop in junior high and while I haven't watched an episode in maybe six years, it is still one of the gold standards of anime. And unlike Dragonball Z or whatever other garbage that Japan shipped over here by the boatload, Cowboy Bebop holds up. It's so goddamn cool, guys. There's the music and the design and there's a super corgi that solves puzzles! What else do you want!?

I feel like I've been chasing the highs of Bebop ever since I first watched them. I have to imagine a lot of people do that with their first exposure to a band or a movie or something. Cowboy Bebop did that for me. It was this fresh, new, crazy thing that I could kind of only imagine at this point. What was even better was that I didn't have to deal with bad animation or laughable voice acting or any of the other pitfalls of the genre (the medium? Whatever). Bebop was this funny, well-designed world that were full of really cool characters. Nothing else sounded like it. Nothing else looked like it. It's been fifteen years and it still stands on its own as this original work of art. As many good shows as I've watched, it never was as good as when I finally got to the end of "The Real Folk Blues Pt. 2."

 What I'm saying is that Japanese anime is exactly like cocaine use.

And all of that got me to make the mistake of pining for a blu ray version of the movie and the series, something I never bought, even back when gray market Chinese copies of anime were readily available (as opposed to torrenting, something that would years distant from the height of my anime fanhood) and it really made me-- HOLY SHIT IT'S FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A BOXED BLU RAY SET? JESUS CHRIST DOES IT CURE ERECTILE DISFUNCTION AND BRING BACK ALL YOUR DEAD PETS? And. . . is that an In Through the Out Door reference? What in the. . .

Oh, well, the American set is only. . . non-existent. Huh.. You people are fucking insane. I'm glad I wasn't drunk when I found because I might have ended up trying to pull some end maneuvers around import taxes with my friends in Japan. Such is my love of Bebop.

While Cowboy Bebop's current availability seems to be just slightly out of reach, it's spiritual successor, Samurai Champloo is on Instant Watch.  If you've got the time and good taste I would highly suggest that you watch it. It's the last thing Shinchiro Watanabe has done since Bebop and that is a fact that depresses me to no end. Oh, he's got a new series out? Alright. About goddamn time.

I was thinking of all of this because I just rewatched the film (which, in Japan is named after a Bob Dylan song) and, as good as it is, it reminded me just how great the show is as a singular work. Part of what makes that show great is that, like any great performance, it leave you wanting more. There's a pang I feel when I know that these twenty-six episode (and the movie) are all we are ever going to have and that anything additional, however unlikely it might be, would only serve to tarnish the legacy of that show.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overstating it. Maybe I just really like the idea of a Welsh corgi solving space crime.

While we wait for that, enjoy the best remix of "Tank!" that You're the Man Now Dawg has to offer.

Vanitas

Vanitas: 

Or why seeing this woman chopped up and eaten is the most fun I've had on TV in years.

 

There's just something about serial killers that gets me going. Unlike with a lot of things, I know that I'm not alone on this one, either. It's why we have The Killing, Dexter, The Following, and the Millennium Trilogy. It's why Seven is so well respected and copied or why we still make movies about the Zodiac Killer. . . Or why David Fincher has a career, really. Human beings are drawn to the morbid. With Hannibal we are shown the madness of serial killers without having to deal with its grotesque realities. It's gory fun from a distance.

Or, well, maybe not "fun" exactly. . .

Hannibal, as a show, strikes a particular nerve, one that is deep seated in our psyche. It combines our basic, human love of bizarre, incomprehensible violence with a basic, artistic skill. It is titillating without being exploitative and, whatever it is, at the end of the day it is a well shot, well written, and well acted work of art. There is madness, yet there is a method to it. These things combine into what I would like to call "good TV."

Despite the fact that Breaking Bad is  over, there's plenty of good TV out there. We have other FX and HBO shows and even Showtime have their own quality shows. Hannibal being good though, isn't what makes it exceptional. Neither is the gore. Or the half-nakedness. What makes it interesting is how it treats relationships in the midst of abject grotesqueness.

Episode 2: Living Diabetic Mushroom People.

Weird or unusual sexuality and gender identity has always been an integral part of Thomas Harris' mythology. Buffalo Bill was a hyper-cross-dresser, the Tooth Fairy was a  homophobe with mommy issues, and then there's the guy without a face in Hannibal who can't get off unless he's abusing somebody. Even Hannibal Lecter himself eventually became the lover of Clarice Starling (after a bit of brain-washing-cum-psychotherpay), which is a far weirder pairing than anything else on the Kinsey Scale.

I'll let you mull over that last development while I go out to get a glass of water.

Still there? Alright.

Psychosexuality is integral to Harris' work.These stories are about human extremes and if you look at many serial killers in reality, they have some very unsettleling corollaries.

Evil in his world still boils down to the baddies being some sort of crazed gay person. There isn't a straight male in the bunch. . . or any sort of female for that matter, now that I think about it. Harris' vision of sexuality and psychopathy is much richer and more complicated than the type of queer baddy that you get out of 1970's exploitation movies or, you know, some contemporary opinions of the community. Yet, at the end of the day, queer characters are ultimately still the people who need to be solved.

So damn pleased, aren't ya?

Hannibal, for better or for worse, moves around these problems, if not entirely beyond these problems. It's concern is not with sexuality or about how we see ourselves, but about the connections we have with one another.

The horror in Hannibal is about relationships. It is about relationships between fathers and daughters, between friends, between bosses and employees, between doctor and patient, and between men and women. It's about boiling human interactions to their most basic and then turning that into something extreme and upsetting. It's one thing to say that schzoid, gay crossdressing Nazis are weirdos, but the American atomic family? That's slightly more challenging. It is also something we can relate to without having to judge it. Watchng "Ceuf," I can see why NBC might have blanched at broadcasting it. There is something far more unsettling about people trying to love each other and failing than about somebody who just has a problem with tabloid journalists.

At the very least, we all understand that continuing to portray ax murderers as repressed homos with mommy issues is a played out trope. If that isn't good for society, it is good for the artform. Even though it doesn't feature any queer characters, as such, it doesn't feel the need to single them out as grotesques. Personally, I think that the Harvey Firestein school of thought which is that “Any exposure is good exposure.” If that's the test one applies to Hannibal, then it fails (though it does pass the Bechdal Test).

You'll never guess what the secret ingredient is! (It is people.)

Despite its heritage Hannibal pulls off the psychological procedural in a way that works and doesn't feel as though this is something that has done before. It's a great parlour trick and what's more is that however much it is a trick, it is one backed up with solid writing, carefully laid out camera work, and some excellent acting. It exists to show all of the other shows on TV, the ones indebted to Silence of the Lambs, how this sort of thing is done.

This program could have easily just been a re-hash of other programs in the past. It could have been a cash-in and it also could have leaned into the older, more troubling parts of this series' canon as a way to generate controversy or attention. Yet, despite the odds, somebody managed to make an intriguing program about one of the most parodied pop culture icons of all time. That's exciting. Hannibal isn't new, it just feels like it. Maybe that's because it's so well done.

Season 2 should be a real blast. Or, well, not a "blast" exactly. . .

HERE COMES THE AD ZONE:

(My friend Cruz and I did an episode of our podcast about the show. There might be some crossover between here and there. Give it a listen, won't you?)

(Some other friends and I are making a comic book anthology. If you can't give on our Kickstarter, tell a friend, or better yet, buy a copy of our previous anthology. Or even better yet give to our Kickstarter, tell a friend, and then a buy a copy. Everybody wins!)

SIDE NOTES:

A) Goooooooddamn is this show gory. How the fuck did anyone ever get away with this stuff? And on network TV!

B) Years and years ago I wrote a top ten list of serial killers. It is not as good as I remember it being.

C) Lance Henrikson appears in an episode as, you guessed it, a psychopath. Considering the story arc Will is going through, and considering that Henrikson played Frank Black, an FBI profiler on Millennium, this means that the series is smart enough to get post-modern without calling attention to it. Good for them.

I've been saying this shit for years!

(Author's Note: In preparation of a bit of writing on Hannibal, here's something about a show that I have previously ranted about. I don't think anyone listened that time either.)

People need to be watching Foyle's War!

Besides Foyle's War being a well made and well researched procedural set during WWII, it also very obviously draws from The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp.

Speaking of brassy gals from the second world war, Agent Carter of Captain America, from her design to her character, is also cribs from the same source material as Foyle's War. Considering that Agent Carter is going to have her own TV show, you should get caught up on these things if you want to remain ahead of the pop culture curve. I say this for your own sake, not for mine.

To summarize: I have an essay in the works. Furthermore, Foyle's War-- which you can watch on Netflix and Amazon Instant-- is quite good. I mean, its wigs aren't as good as Downton Abbey's wigs, but then again, whose are?

Your tears give me strength!

Yessss! Yesssss! Cry all you want, I will only grow stronger!

OH GOD PLEASE

I get a promotion today and now I got this rumor!?

Come on, God! You owe me this much!

While I never finished The Pacific (my relationship with people with VHS and HBO was not what it was in the early 2000's), Band of Brothers is one of the best pieces of television ever made. It's a beautiful, lovingly made story about the greatest of the greatest generation. You don't so much watch a show as you get to know a great group of men-- a feeling that is only accentuated by meeting these actual men.

It wasn't sincere, it wasn't ironic, and it wasn't worshipful. It was a show that somehow was exciting and respectful at the same time. Despite all of the art and all of the choices made by the creators of the show, what you ended up with was a work of art that was somehow both realistic and mythological. As many WWII shows and movies as I have watched, Band of Brothers is the one that seems to nail the feeling of it being the way it was.

I'd be a liar if that show didn't reduce me to tears. I still get chills from the reveal in the final scene of the final episode.

I want to feel that way about a television show again.

And more than that I want to be Winters, who was a great character and a greater human being.

Now Give Me the Dubstep

Finally, my prayers are answered! Now if we can only get Matthew kidnapped by aliens, all would be right!

Or maybe O'Brien stumbles onto some black oil! Who knows where Season 3 will take us!

Whaaaaaa?

Shirley McLaine cast in the third season-- I mean third series-- of Downton Abbey.

Even the Jawless Love Downton Abbey

But don't take my word for it, take Pulitzer Prize winner Roger Ebert's word for it.

And, I guess, Phil Noto's word for it, as well. That man can draw the world, if you ask me.

DOWNTON ABBEY SEASON TWO YOU FUCKIN' PEASANTS

Alright, so the second season just premiered over here. Two solid hours of Downtonin'. It's a pretty solid premiere and thankfully there hasn't yet been a drop-off. It's still Downton Abbey. There's still lots of frocks and people in hats, but now there's a lot of olive drab and khaki. Also a dude got shot in the head. He got shot in the head because he was lighting a cigarette and he was on television and that's how everyone on earth has ever been shot by a sniper in WWI. I guess he couldn't known that at this point in history.

Though, I have these observations:
1) What is this bullshit about O'Brien being some sort of a human we should feel sorry for? That can fuck right off.
2) Poor, poor Mr. Carson.
3) Poor, poor Mr. Bates.
4) I feel like this Robert Carlyle guy has killed people before. Personally.
5) What in the fucking ghost of St. Hubbins in Edith doing? What the fuck is this shit?
6) Thomas can still go fuck himself.
7) When will Colonel Blimp appear and make my life complete?
8) Poor, poor William.
9) Alright, I've officially had enough of this Irish fella. Sybil is nursing wounded veterans, you Hibernian jag-off.

Finally, a Channel for Me

Fox is considering putting together an all-Simpsons channel.

Please let this come to pass.

(You can't tell, but I'm praying to a waffle stuck on the ceiling.)

"Not in My Cinema"

For the second time in my life I have finished watching The X-Files film and I gotta say twenty-four year-old James enjoyed this film far less than his ten year-old counterpart, which is a damn shame because I just recently rediscovered the original show.



I remember having very fond memories of that film. In fact, I remember the theater where I saw it and that I saw it with my uncle and one of my cousins. Considering one the theater got torn down and one of those people died there is literally no way I can recreate that occasion, so I guess it's only appropriate that Fight the Future is depressingly messy.

It's not that's it's awful or anything, it's just that the critics at the time were right. Fight the Future doesn't seem to be anything more than a two hour long episode. If you love The X-Files, then you'll be happy at having a two hour episode to watch. If you don't, TS, better luck with X-Files 2: Black Oil Harder*. Now, I do love the show beyond recognizing character actors from Deadwood and stuff, I really truly love The X-Files to death. Even as a kind of creaky, sometimes incredibly boring show, it still amazes me just how radical it still is. A lot of movies fail to do this and it's even rarer that a TV show can pull this off.



The problem isn't my lack of love for the source material, my problem is that I love movies far more than I do every other Fox TV show (the notable exception being The Simpsons seasons three to eleven). There is no amount of fanaticism that can get me to ignore that Fight the Future is almost entirely uncinematic. Not only are its actors and subject televisual, but the whole damn thing is, from writing to cinematography, soup to nuts. It's all things we've seen before on the small screen and in that case, it's often slightly better than what is on the big screen. Fight the Future is a movie without an argument for being a movie.

Other than the occasional flourish of visual effects (like the federal building bombing and the core of the alien space craft), there's nothing to tell you that this isn't a very long episode of the Fox TV show (in fact, if you cobbled together one of the longer story arcs-- "Nisei" arc, for example-- you'd end up with something roughly as long as this movie).

And those handful of scenes aren't enough as the visual effects have lost a certain amount of their impact over the past ten to fifteen years. The Black Oil, as cool of a concept as it is, looks like something that might have gotten lost from a bad episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Federal building explosion not only looks like a touched up matte painting (with a few practical effects sprinkled over the whole of the thing), but even as an off-screen presence or a plot point it feels small and underwhelming.

I know it's a rarity to compare something favorably to 9/11. While watching the movie though, I couldn't help but think, "Jeese. September 11th was way more impressive than this thing." Watching this building get blown up I didn't feel anything-- maybe because I've been desensitized by the acts or real world mad men-- due to the fact that I knew that the bomb only killed Locke from Lost (I mean, maybe if it was Bishop from Aliens I might have cared a little bit more). Where's the weight? Where's the consequences? I guess the writers and the director assumed that the emotions would be filled in by the audience who were likely still worked up about the Oklahoma City Bombing. How lazy is that, though? That makes sense, but it isn't good film making. This is all speculation, though. I guess what I wanted was to feel the appropriate reaction to an act of terrorist, which would be something fleeing disinterest and running towards, you know, actual terror.

If you're going to invoke the Oklahoma City Bombings you have to have the teeth to exploit what people think and feel. Half-assing it isn't enough. To do otherwise-- have an explosion that only costs people taxes and a guy with a mustache-- is a many things, dull being the most obvious.

In the movie's defense, how the fuck is something this piddly supposed to compare with 9/11? Back when this movie was made Osama bin Laden was just some jerk with a van packed with fireworks. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to those days for just a little bit?



There's a tick in my brain that I discovered. It's probably true in general, but when it comes to watching and enjoying movies, it's especially true. What I know is that whenever I'm watching a film (or a TV show, even) and I think "I could do better than that," it is universally a bad sign for the movie. There's plenty of reasons why I might think this. One reason is that the movie is so sparse or so uninteresting that my brain defends itself against the film by coming up with a more interesting scenario. It's basically my version of people paying attention to the set dressing, because if you're paying attention to the background, it means that whatever is in the foreground just isn't doing it for you.

The second reason is that it might actually be true that I can write or director (or sometimes even act) better than whatever is on the screen. This isn't an attempt for me to brag about my talents, it's just that something very bad might be on screen and it might not take much to make it slightly better than it is. In a way that's even more frustrating than just being bored. Knowing that even you in your limited time with this film can come up with something better has to make you wonder why no one who was getting paid could accomplish this.

If there's a third reason for this it's that my expectations have not been met. In the case of Fight the Future, it is probably more guilty of this than it is of the other two reasons. There are a million reasons why an X-Files movie should be the biggest sci-fi film of the era, after all it was the biggest sci-fi TV show of the era, TV, movies, books, and comics are still trying to copy its success almost twenty years after it first premiered.

It's funny that it doesn't wind up as good as some of the other movies of the era (there's a swipe at Independence Day after Mulder gets good and drunk) and it's funny that it probably isn't even as good as some of the great episodes that Fight the Future is based off of.

Despite all of this, I still love the X-Files. In fact, if I could, I would buy one of those gimlets (but I can't. Fuck this earth). Like the show, the movie is basically better than the sum of it's flaws. There's some great stuff in there and the whole of the piece shines through. It's worth it. Plus, the concept of a sentient alien virus being the villain-- despite being supremely underwhelming of a presence-- is a pretty crazy and frightening concept. I mean, a virus? How the fuck do you kill that?

All in all, I'd like to see a third X-Files movie (if the rumors are true, this desire might change when I watch I Want to Believe), this time with a one-hundred million dollar budget and somebody like JJ Abrams or Guillermo del Toro** helming the picture. And with Doggett returning and maybe a villain that's worth a damn instead of "Old White Guy #447." Oh, and somebody with a cellphone that actually fucking works. Now there's be a movie I'd pay to see***.


(That's not The X-Files, damnit!)

SIDE NOTE: I think one of the reasons no one has ever been able to emulate what The X-Files did in the early 90's is because cellphones and the internet have basically ruined everything mysterious for us. Think about this, how could the government keep aliens a secret when celebrities can't even keep their genitals a secret? In 2011 the grand extraterrestrial conspiracy would last about five seconds because once Mulder runs into a database of DNA punch cards or a pile of alien mummies in Navajo country, it'd be twittered and flickred and Facebooked all the way around the world twice. Then again, if the show came out today, I'm sure those geniuses in Hollywood would find a great way to knock Mulder's iPhone into a puddle or a toilet every episode****.

SIDE SIDE NOTE: And, another thing, how many times can Scully be out of the room or unconscious every single time something supernatural happens? Or when something supernatural happens, she just casts it off as. . . what? A trick of the brain? How many times over six years can this happen before she's just an idiot? And, again, a camera-phone might help the case along.

THIRD SIDE NOTE: Hey, that's the Arboretum. Rad.

FINAL NOTE: I took the title from a sentiment that Dr. Mark Kermode expresses whenever he encounters something in the movies that isn't very cinematic. I also borrowed the word "televisual" from him.

*I'm not happy with myself about that joke. And the saddest thing is, this was the one I chose over X-Files 2: The Filening.

**Could I have chosen more obvious nerd directors for a nerd picture? No. No, I could not have.

***That or a Harsh Realm reboot. Somebody call the Battlestar Galactica guys.

****Jesus Christ, as I'm writing this Mulder literally dropped his fucking gun down a hole. I can't believe someone isn't paying me for this.

I'll Give You Banter

My Average Saturday

Oh Shit

That's my dad's bar.

Dennis Reynolds is peeing on my dad's bar.

There is urine there.

Drink Up, Judah Ben-Hur

As you know, I watch The Simpsons from time to time. I've been known to recite lines from it at important points in our many conversations. I also like movies. On this, I'm sure we can all agree. Anyways, some Spanish Simpsons fansite has assembled a big-fat list of movie quotations and references from the TV show.

What they've done is what you see above-- Assemble screencaps from the show and its corresponding movie and show them side by side. It's pretty damn cool for a guy who loves movies and The Simpsons to have a resource like this, even if it is in Google translated, pidgin English.

Somewhere out there, there's a Venn diagram to show how nerdy of a thing this is. Luckily, I haven't seen it, so until that day, I'm going to be pretty jazzed about this whole situation.

What Gay Vampires and Mopey Teenagers Can Teach Us

Some people are just going to hate shit no matter what people do. You can't please everybody. I guess you might think that I'm one to talk about this, but at least I know it's a problem in my life. Sometimes, though, we're so blinded by our biases that we don't pause and think about what something we loath-- Twilight-- has to offer us.

Pajiba wrote an article about attending a Twilight fan fiction panel at Comic Con and it's actually quite amazing. There's a lot of cogent points made by both the writer of the piece and the people inside the panel. It's a glimpse into a world none of us are particularly interested, but, like anything else that exists outside of our little, sheltered spheres, it can be rather profound-- especially if it's edited down to the good bits.

Now the vast majority of fan fiction-- in fact the vast majority of writing-- is bilge. It's a consequence of having printing presses and literate people, so I guess it's a small price to pay for not shitting in holes and having the Bible chained to a stone pillar.

Besides showing us a side of Twilight that very few of us care to look into, I think the article touches on something that effects most of the people I know and consider my friends, which is the writing process. It's hard. It's ugly. And a lot of the time you've got to turn into the person you hate in order to make something good. Lord knows I've written my share of boring, pretentious things, but if I never did those thing, I'd also have never gotten around to writing the stuff I like, the stuff I know is pretty good. Pride, in a strange way comes from pain, and I guess you see it with this article. There's nothing more embarrassing or lame as writing fan fiction-- fan fiction for a property that isn't even all that good-- but when I read this I kind of realized that it was basically training wheels for writers.

At some point we all fell off and ate shit on our bikes and many of us had training wheels on our bikes. It was kind of silly and embarrassing, but it helped us get to where we wanted to be. I suppose another analogy in there is for any athlete. They've got to lose a lot of matches, pull a lot of muscles, and wake up in a state of catatonic agony in order to become the Tier One performer that they want to be. I guess the same goes for writing. Sometimes you've just got to put aside all of the things you don't want to do and accept that this kind of thing is going to hurt.

Editor's Note: Yeah, this was an excuse to tie The Thick of It in with Twilight.