The Definitive Ranked List of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

It's a sad state of affairs. All of these people putting out their lists on the Marvel Cinematic Universe. What is the best? What is the worst? Would the Hulk show up to my funeral? These people are fools at best and rapscallions at worst. They would such precious seconds of your day for a reward as paltry as a click. They take you for a rube. They would spit on you if they saw you in the light of day.

I will do no such thing. From my fingertips, I type the truth and only the truth. The following is the definitive list-- and as far as I'm concerned the only list worth reading-- of all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe films that I've seen, at least partially.

That I remember.

And, I will be honest with you, it's all kind of a blur.

So, let's get to it! And, also, no the Hulk is not showing up to your funeral!


14. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)

The more I think about it, the more I think that Guardians 2 might be one of the worst movies that I've ever seen-- or half-seen, because I quit about as soon as Ego appeared. It's hard for me to think of a more aggresively loud movie than this one-- and I'm a guy that still kind of likes Fate of the Furious-- a movie where, after two-hundred hours, a man defeats a Russian sub with American muscle. No, Guardians 2 sucks because none of it matters. None of it makes sense. It's just a lot of loud, shitty nonsense, to no purpose. I mean, there's en media res and then there's this movie. I don't have time for it. Ugh.


Just a whole crew of weird looking Han Solo's being bad at their job and trying to suck their own dick and actually, that movie sounds better than Guardians 2. James Gunn, I know you don't have a lot going on right now, so give me a ring!

HONORARY MENTION: The trailer with "The Chain" by Fleetwood Mac made me realize how much I really and truly love Fleetwood Mac and Rumors. What a great fucking album.

13. Captain America: Civil War (2016)

I watched thirty minutes off and on at a pizza shop once. It seemed real bad. Also, from what I remember of the trailer, it introduced what is easily the dumbest concept in all of the MCU: People running at each other over an open field to fight. What are you Scottish? Get a fucking helicopter.

12. The Incredible Hulk (2008)

This movie gets put in dead last because I literally forgot that it existed until I made this list. On the plus side, somebody gets Hulk-illness by drinking a Brazilian energy drink.


11. Dr. Strange (2016)

It's a real toss up between this one and GotG2 as to the shittiest of the Marvel movies I've seen. While Guardians 2 is the most offensive on the surface, Dr. Strange put a lot of effort into wasting what might be the best cast out of any of their films.What I can remember is that Benedict Cumberbatch (which is his name, you won't find me dipping into the gutters for that one) goes to Harry Potter Adult Night School and it all looks like a made for TV movie. At one point I almost got excited and I was almost convinced that I was dealing with a good movie and that was when our friend Dr. Strange was on location in Kathmandu. All of the shots look like they were stolen and it almost looks like somebody might be trying to make a film and then he walks onto the Syfy channel's backlot and it goes back to sucking much ass and shit. Oh and there was a bad joke about "It's the wi-fi password." Fuck you, movie.

10. Iron Man II (2010)

I can't say that I remember anything from this movie other than the fact that Mickey Rourke looks like shit and that he says "bird" in a really delightful fashion. Does anybody actually remember this film?

9. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

All I can remember is that Benecio del Toro was in this and he probably had a funny voice. Does that sound about right? Oh and Drax is fun. I like Drax. Who doesn't like Drax? He's a sincere voice in a world of smarmy dipshits popping off sarcastic remarks. It's like being back in college, but CSULB is populated solely by me and I'm in space.

Actually, since I'm here, it's worth pointing out that Chris Pratt is a creepy religious prick.

8. The Avengers (2012)

Two things stick out to me about the first Avengers movie-- I mean besides the fact that it works as well as it does (which is to say at all). The first is that this was the movie where I realized that, as a society, we all decided that we were okay with using 9/11 imagery in pop entertainment again. It was weird after all these years of Hollywood tacitly agreeing not to blow up New York again, the movie that broke the seal on that one. The second was that I went to a bar afterwards and a couple that was visiting Pasadena for a golf tournament thought that I was going to fuck the husband. Apparently that was the vibe I was giving off at the time.

7. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

I feel bad not liking this movie. Because I should like it. It's got espionage. It's got a man out of time. It's got Cold War bullshit. It's based on one of my favorite superhero arcs (written by one of my favorite writers-- Ed Brubaker). And, yet, it's the movie that broke me on Marvel movies.

Winter Soldier is the movie that made me realize that I wasn't watching movies, but that I was watching ads.

That I just paid twelve buck to be sold backpacks and bedsheets and action figures and the next movie (which won't conclude in any meaningful way, either).

And, hey, it's show business. They don't put these things out as a tax right off. All movies are there to make money. I don't even think that a guy like Jim Jarmusch became a film director so he could lose his shirt. And a lot of good movies are meant to be popular entertainment. But there's just something about these movies-- about movies like Winter Soldier-- that just don't sit right with me.

I like Star Wars. I like James Bond. Those are money-grabbing operations, too. Arguably Star Wars is even worse about its merchandise game. So why don't those franchises bother me? Why don't they feel as hollow and artless as the MCU?

What it comes down to is that I just like Star Wars and James Bond more. I can ignore the moneyman behind the curtain because they feel like real movies. They feel like a vision that somebody wanted to put onto the screen (with the exception of Solo, which is a whole other conversation). Those movies have memorable scores. Some truly exceptional performances (with a universe full of henchmen is anybody as good as Jaws? Or Oddjob. . . Okay, maybe Killmonger).

On the other hand, the MCU is safe. It's comforting. It's warm. It's art built by committee. Works created to never offend, to avoid taking risks, and to please as many cross-sections and demographics as humanly possible. Which is fine, but, if these movies were a food, they'd be a Subway sandwich. Not good, not bad, but you can't say that it wasn't filling, that it didn't do what it set out to do.

I remember when the trailer for this first came out, I felt nothing. I wondered if I was just dead inside. If something had left me. Then I watched the trailer for True Detective and I realized, no, I've actually just moved on. Not matured or got better or anything like that, just that my time with these movies, with this series, has passed. . . Which means that I then watched another five or six of them.

Plus, the Brubaker, Epting, and Breitweiser comics are just better. Go read those. Oh, also, Toby Jones as a computer Nazi was pretty fun. I'll give them that.

6. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

It's got a lot of cute jokes in it and it's highly tolerable film. The best thing I can say about it-- which is the best thing I can say about any of these movies-- is it seems like a lot of nice people, including Taika Watiti got a boatload of money for this movie. Good for them.

5. Thor (2011)

This is up that high, really? Okay. Thor is a fine movie. A good cast, well used. Oh and Destroyer was good to see.

4. Iron Man (2008)

I'm hard-pressed to say why this film is so high up here other than the fact that, at the time, it was kind of amazing that they succeeded in making this movie. That they managed to insert so much Marvel mythology into it and that it all kind of worked. Now, I bet if I went back and watched it, all of that would be old news, but at the time, it was pretty cool. Also, I directly associate this movie with Bug (2008) because Iron Man was sold out, so my girlfriend and a friend went back to her place to watch that instead. There's a second part to this story, but this is a family blog.

3. Iron Man III (2013)

I'm not sure that Iron Man III is actually a good movie, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. I know it has a lot of things wrong with it. It's too long, it's all over the place, and, like a lot of the worst James Bond movies, I feel like it has about three villains too many, but, man, when this movie

Again: None of this is really good. It's just wild-- and maybe this is the one exception to these movies being bland, but I'm not sure this movie knows why it's wild.

I mean, for god's sake, this movie ends with Iron Man and his gal Friday murdering a bunch of disabled veterans. That's it. That's the end of the movie. Somebody wrote that, approved it, filmed it, and then millions of people went "I love this, the movie where a bunch of disabled veterans were murdered brutally by an alcoholic billionaire. More of this please!"

Movies are wild, folks.

2. Black Panther (2018)

Is this really that high up here? Man, I must like these movies even less than I thought. Black Panther is fine and, in a lot of ways, it really exemplifies everything that is good about these movies and everything that is wrong about these movies-- which, I think, is the same thing.

What is good about Black Panther isn't the movie. It's good because it's a moment. It's this brief moment in time where we all decided to watch a movie about black people hanging out with black people and being black without (almost) any white people interfering or "fixing" them. And everyone liked it. And it made a shit ton of money. And it was eventually nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Black Panther means something and it was cool, even as a dumbass white nerd, to be a part of that, even as somebody watching from the outside in.

But, yeah, then there's the actual movie. The movie itself is a Marvel movie. It's full of bad CGI, terrible sound design, the action scenes are poorly laid out, and yet one more meaningless, mind-numbing action set piece that goes on for roughly six hours. Also, they expect me to believe that the CIA would aid a small African nation. Come on.

On the other hand, it has the best ensemble cast out of any of the current MCU movies (that I've seen). Everyone goes from zero to sixty. They all have their purpose and their moment and they almost all do it in the first thirty minutes of the film.

Plus, you have Killmonger, who is not only the best villain of the MCU, but one of the best villains of any action movie of the past ten years. He's great. He's played by Michael B. Jordan (who is a little too young, but sells it well) and he's well-written and well-motivated. He's justified in the way that Magneto is justified. He sells you on his insane scheme and he isn't even trying! Plus, he's got a tight look! I can't say that I would watch a Killmonger solo film, but I would be interested in one.

Also, Killmonger is a great fucking name.

Back to what this movie means in the greater pop cultural context-- Seeing black kids excited for this movie is awesome. It's not something that I can directly empathize with (as I am terminally white and movies have been made for me since forever), but it's something that I can appreciate.That black kids get to see themselves as heroes and that Africans can see themselves as the people saving the day is rad as shit. It's so simple and it's so cool and it's funny that what is ostensibly an ad for

Also, that album, that album? That album is a fucking banger. I don't know if I'll bother to see Black Panther 2, but I'll be first in line to pick up the Black Panther 2 album.

1. Captain America (2011)

The first Captain America movie is the only Marvel movie I've bothered to watch twice (and with that said, I still can't remember what the last act is or how Red Skull dies-- he does die, right?). I think this is down to the fact that Captain America is a film that is accidentally about something.

Captain America is the only movie out of all of the above that is actually about heroism. It's about a kid, Steve Rogers, choosing to do what is the right thing regardless of the personal consequences. While, yeah, it is about saving the world, he isn't doing it to save the world (because who wouldn't try and save the world if they had to?), Steve Rogers wants to save the world because it's the right thing to do.

Captain America argues that being a hero isn't about a feat of arms, nor about using your talents or your privelege to do good. It's about choosing to do the right thing even if it means getting your ass kicked-- and then choosing to do it again and again and again. And that's fucking cool to watch.

And, again, some of this is personal and maybe it's down to my perception of myself. Steve Rogers is basically my weight and height (the same as Frank Sinatra, incidentally, who was also not allowed to fight in WWII. . . allegedly) and who is rebuffed from being able to stop Nazism.

Steve Rogers just wants to fight for America and they won't let him! That's tragic and sad and it links up to a lot of men at the time who wanted to do their part, but weren't allowed to because they didn't meet the requirements. I know I'm looking back at history with rose-colored glasses, but I think I'm allowed to be nostalgic for a time when America wanted to fight Nazis instead of vote for them.

 I don't know that I would ever be as brave or as noble as Steve Rogers, but I would like to be. I would like to think that I would be willing to get the shit kicked out of me in ye old New York and I would like to think that I'd throw myself onto a grenade in order to save-- not my friends-- but a bunch of no-name hapless dickheads who simply don't deserve to get killed. And I'd like to think that I'd volunteer for an experimental hunk-juice injection.

There is a lot about this movie that is forgettable and generic (probably, but I forgot most of it), but the highs stick with me because it is a super hero movie that is more concerned with being a "hero" than with being "super."

I'll admit: I teared up during this movie. Actually, shit, I teared up at the end of Thor, too. I should move that one up.

Also, it has Hugo Weaving and I love him! Who doesn't love Hugo Weaving? He's great!

James Kislingbury is a writer, podcaster, and has never been nor will ever be a Hulk. You can listen to him here and here. You can shovel piles of lucre at him here and here.

Some Thoughts on the Latest Space Madness Movie

A kind of review of High Life (2019)
Directed by Claire Denis
Written by Claire Denis and Jean-Pol Fargeau
Starring Robert Pattinson, Mia Goth, Juliette Binoche, and Andre Benjamin

High Life is a dirge. That isn't to say that it's a bad film and it is certainly too rich to throwaway as being "interesting."

I think back to Gravity-- a film only similar on a surface level-- which I wrote with my hands still shaking from the experience and I am writing about High Life only having just walked out of it. In the case of Gravity I hadn't had a chance to come down off of the high of watching that movie. In the case of High Life, it is a movie that I am still digesting. That I'm not sure how I feel about it or that I'll ever really know how I feel about it.

But I doubt confusion bordering on ambivalence is what Claire Denis was going for when she set out to make this movie (a story that she had wanted to tell for going on fifteen years, apparently).

Or maybe not. I can't say that I know too much about Claire Denis (and that's on me).

That it accomplishes a consistent funereal tone might be what makes it worth while and it might be why I'd tell you to miss it entirely. It isn't a whole lot of fun.


That said, it's a film with a few stand out sequences that I probably won't stop thinking about until the day I die. There's a big one towards the beginning of the film (if you've seen it, yes, it's the one you're thinking of), but there are also a lot of little moments. Strange, flitting moments in the memories of these characters that are beautiful and haunting and are as relatable as they are alien. There is a flashback of Monte (Robert Pattinson) walking through the woods with his dog. There is Boyse (Mia Goth) living as a rail-borne tramp back on Earth. There is a completely out-of-the-blue sequence in which a guru (I think?) talks to a French student about the premise of the film. Each of these scenes are so light and so out of the blue that you can't help but feel that they must have meaning. Little brush strokes of color in the middle of all of this gloom that feel like real art. That somebody has something to say. And then you go back to Monte and his crew slowly succumbing to space madness and you know that there is something here, but you just can't say what it is.

This takes two hours. I wish I could be more definitive about how I feel about the movie. It sucked. It rocked. It was a thrill ride. Whatever. But taking something like that-- especially as of this moment-- and distilling it down to five hundred words seems. .  . Vulgar? Low? High Life has too much going on for me to treat it like that.

Like the movie, me feeling on it are a mystery, even to myself. I can't say that it's an entirely enjoyable feeling. What I can say is that it is cinema and looking around at movies these days and at the world in general, I think we could us more things like that.

James Kislingbury is a writer, podcaster, and has had enough of regular old Earth madness, thank you very much. You can listen to him here and here. You can shovel piles of lucre at him here and here.

A Critical Update Regarding My Official Stance on the Latest Installment in the Star War Franchise

I will watch this new Star War.

Thank you for your support and understanding.

James Kislingbury is a writer, podcaster, and an enemy to space fascists everywhere. You can listen to him here and here. You can shovel piles of lucre at him here and here.

Let's All Talk About the Big Movie Thing Part 3,568,432!

That looks like it might be pretty okay? It might even be good?

I have some hopes for this movie-- tepid hopes, tempered by the stark reality that DC seems terminally incapable of making a film that is even mildly worth a damn. I love Joaquin Phoenix and Todd Haynes Soldonz Phillips is actually an inspired choice considering that almost all of his movies are about demi-criminal dirtbags looking for a laugh-- except this time he's not trying to fool us into thinking they're actually funny.

I was going to go on to say something more about the flak that this movie has been catching online and what a big, obvious target it is, but then I remember that I was 19 once and I'm a fucking media studies major. I get it. It's an almost stastical certainty that this movie is going to suck shit and it's a good opportunity for two-thousand people to simultaneously make the comment "Why would I want to watch this when I could watch Taxi Driver/Punch Drunk Love/The King of Comedy?" (as though Scorsese and Anderson don't wear their influences on their sleeves-- also, if you're going to make the that comparison, at least have the decency to bring up You Were Never Really Here, a criminally underrated Taxi Driver-inflected film staring Phoenix from 2018-- so, come on, get it together, snobs.)

And here I am bitching about people bitching, which is kind of what I was hoping to avoid. But I've have a beer in me and I'm not a very good writer, so here we are. Fuck it.

Life is too fucking short. I hope this movie is good. Not because it would be good to see DC get a win or for there to be another "smart" blockbuster movie or to see somebody do a cover-song version of Scorcese, but because a good movie, of any variety, of any caliber is a cool thing. It's good, and it is much more interesting to dissect a good movie than a bad one.

So, while we're all popping off, throwing our scalding takes out into the ether, here's my question: What if they actually get away with it?